Everyone has a story...

His love is never ending...

I know I am called. I know I am chosen. I have been living for myself lately though, and over the past several weeks, God's been renewing a dream he gave me before. A calling that he entrusted to me. I had pushed it aside, stored it away, and focused solely on myself. I can see now that God is calling me to remember, calling me to move, calling me to act. Last night, I dreamed of God asking me to share...share somethings I've gone through, and to listen to others and be there for them.

This is a lost, aching, hurting world. All of us know that, and all of us have experienced these painful times. The difference is that with the Lord as our Rock, our Salvation, our Hope and our Deliverer...we make it through. Sometimes, it's hard to see or feel the Lord, sometimes the devil, the great deceiver and liar, fools us and tricks us, blinds us so entirely and so completely that we forget about the Lord and His promises. We forget all the times that he's been faithful to us, we can't recall His love, grace, and mercy. I've been there, and I'm sure most of us have been there.

Today, I wanted to share a bit of my story. Some of you may know it, some of you may know some of it, or you may not. The point is to let someone know...that you're not alone. The point is to remind you that God is right by your side and He's listening and He still cares. The point is to tell you...there is HOPE. This is my story ( at least some of it) and hopefully in the coming weeks...I can talk with some of you, share with some of you, pray with some of you...and my dream is to share all our stories, and ultimately inspire hope, love, peace and joy back to those who have lost it along their journey and to remind all of us that Jesus loves us and he hasn't forgotten about us! It's scary to put all this out there, to bear your soul to the entire internet, but I know that God is asking me to step out in faith, to proclaim His love and to hopefully be used to honor and glorify Him!

I had a great childhood. We didn't have a lot of money, but my mom gave her all to make sure that I had a wonderful childhood, and I knew that I was loved beyond measure! Due to some medical issues as a child, I was picked on and made fun of a lot, but usually that didn't matter because I knew that my mom loved me, and that Jesus loved me. I'm not sure where I lost that confidence, but it did become lost and didn't fully come back until about 2 years ago.

Depression, thoughts of suicide and many sleepless, tearful nights epitomized my life after high school. After high school, I started attending Victory church and became involved in Quest and attended many missions trips with the group. God used these times, this group and the leaders to help show me that I am worthy, I am loved, and I have a purpose. The process was often painful, often confusing and filled with doubt. The enemy knows where you are weak, knows where to attack you...and he had my number every time!

I can recall being on missions trips, and staying up at night to write a suicide note...and while looking into the vastness of the ocean, pondering if I walked into the ocean and drowned...would anyone care? My answer was a resounding "NO!" and moreover, everyone would be better off without me. Thank God that he instilled the fear of going to hell in me, because if he hadn't I'm pretty sure I would have taken my life during the most depressed times I faced. It seemed like the best thing to do for everyone ( and please listen to me...if you have ever considered suicide, or are contemplating it; know that you may think it's better for everyone, but it's not. It's easy for you, and it leaves a path of heartbreak, broken relationships, hurt loved ones, and makes things MUCH worse that you could ever imagine.) I remember one night taking many tylenol PM, praying to not awaken in the morning. Thank God he protected me, and allowed me to awake in the morning ( although, at the time I didn't thank Him.)

One of the worst things about all this, was I was a leader in my young adult group, and I felt like a failure because how could I have these feelings, these doubts, the desire to end my life...and still call myself a christian? I had it in my head that christians weren't allowed to doubt, they weren't allowed to stumble, not allowed to fall. I had taken God's grace out of my life. I had called Him not good enough, because I thought I was worthless. I thought that God had made a mistake in me. I didn't allow God to be God in my life. I looked to alcohol instead of to God. I looked to anything and everything instead of God. I made other things my gods.

I look back at how empty I was, how lonely, how unloved I felt. I remember writing letters to God, crying out that He deliver me, save me. I remember one night, how I asked God to show himself to me that night as I was lying in my bed. I opened my eyes and I saw an angel, with full wings, hovering over my bed, covering all of me. I felt so warm and safe in that moment. I felt God in that moment, telling me I wasn't alone, telling me He still loved me and still cared for me, even when I wasn't loving Him. I had been blaming Him, cursing Him, denying Him.

I thought I was hiding everything so well, but obviously I wasn't. Thank God for the people he placed in my life to speak life and love and healing to me. Pastor Glenn & Rhonda, Cheryl, Amy, Sarah, Gwen, Jason and Loanne, Johnny, Mike, Jillian, Cliff and many more really took the time to remind me about God's love. They really invested in me, didn't give up on me, and were used of the Lord to help pull me from my darkest place.

It's amazing how God kept using me in my darkest times. I felt like I could never be used of God, but He kept using me, kept telling me that I was worthy, and that He had dreams and plans for me. He had a calling on me, He had His hand on me.

I recall Pastor Glenn telling me the story of Gideon and how he was hiding in the wheat mill when the angel appeared to him and called him a mighty man of God and told him that the Lord was with him. He reminded me of David one minute praising God, and the next crying out to God for help and asking where was He? Many of my friends reminded me to let God be God and let His grace and love heal me. It wasn't until I fully surrendered to God that He could begin the healing process. I had to let God be God; instead of me, in my flawed, sinfulness, trying to fix myself.

I want to remind you that you're not alone, that you are loved, you have a purpose, and the God of all Heaven and earth is waiting for you to turn to Him, to surrender, to fall at His feet, to proclaim that He is our all in all.You can't "fix" yourself, you can't "make God love you more than He already does" I struggled for so long with this! I had to drown in His grace and His love. I had to let myself be loved of God. I had to lose myself, and then find myself again...in God's love and through His eyes. I had to look beyond my pain, my sadness, and see a world that needed His love, see that I could help tell them about His love. It's amazing how when we help others, love others, that it's often when we receive all that back, and it ends up helping us more, than those we thought we were helping.

The Lord gave me a verse in my darkest hours, in my deepest fears... *He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. - II Cor. 12: 9 & 10

God healed me of my disbelief. He continued to use me and show me that I am loved, I am His, I am called. Do I still struggle, of course! But God's always at work in me. As Pastor Glenn often said, I'm God's messy masterpiece! There is a light at the end of the tunnel, don't be tricked, don't be fooled, and know you're a work in progress!

Be weak today, let your walls down, let your defenses fall. Break the barriers that hold you back from allowing God to fully embrace you and overwhelm you with His love. If you need to talk, I'm here, God's also listening, He's never more than a whisper away, a hearts cry away. Don't be afraid to let God love you, and to let others in!

If you have a story you'd like to share, if you want to get together for coffee and talk...whatever, let me know. This is the day that the Lord has made, and I will rejoice and be glad in it. Let's live, laugh, love, cry, worship, celebrate, and share this life together! All for His kingdom and glory!